This is a more contemporary, tongue-in-cheek sort of story than is my usual. There is no splatter. In fact, it’s barely horror. Though I hope you ask yourself by the end, “Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket.”
When you get to the end, the last line is a double entendre — something I’m quite fond of.
December 01, 2010
My first day on the job and I am so excited. After being unemployed for most of this year, a small software company in Boston has hired me. It only took three weeks to relocate to a house south of the city in the community of Pekingnocginot Heights.
My wife, Elizabeth, has never been out of southern Florida and can’t wait to see New England snow for the first time.
December 12, 2010
Snowing! My wife is giddy as a school girl. The snow barely covered the lawn and she went out trying to make snow angels.
I stopped by Home Depot to pick up a snow shovel and noticed they had quite a selection of snow blowers. I can’t imagine being that lazy.
December 13, 2010
Too bad the snow finally stopped. It makes the outdoors so pretty. The blanket of white makes everything so much brighter—happier. The snow plow operator even waved to me.
My commute to work went a little slower. At mid-point, we were forced down to one lane. The only plow I saw was going the other way.
Driving home, I picked up a puppy so Elizabeth has some company while I’m at work. She hasn’t named the little Shih Tzu yet. He is mostly white and fluffy.
December 20, 2010
More snow and everyone’s excited that we’ll have a white Christmas.
Elizabeth decided to name the puppy Snowball.
The commute to Boston was messy this morning and my Toyota Yaris doesn’t do well in the slushy ruts.
You’d think with all the plows on the road it wouldn’t be a problem. But I noticed that most of the trucks with plows don’t even seem to use them. They just hang there, a foot off the pavement.
December 21, 2010
I stopped at the mall on the way back from Boston to do a little Christmas shopping for Elizabeth. The parking lot has huge mounds of snow in the few remaining parking spaces. It took a while to find a place to park.
I slipped and fell crossing to the mall entrance. I was worried that the oncoming plow operator might not see me. Apparently he did. He stopped and waited for me to get up. I think I hurt my tail bone, and I hope the dirty slush doesn’t stain the elbows of my coat.
December 26, 2010
Blizzard! How lucky is it that it’s Sunday. No driving — or so I thought.
Elizabeth sent me out for milk and eggs, so I went over to Cumberland Farms. In the parking lot, a pickup truck with a big yellow plow pulled out while I was pulling in and it scared the bejeezus out of me. I got my supplies and slid down the sloping entry into oncoming traffic. The first four cars honked their horns but none of them hit me. When I got home I quietly changed my drawers.
December 27, 2010
They’re asking everyone to stay home today, so I called-in to work. No one answered the phone.
I shoveled as well as I could, but my back is bothering me and it isn’t helping that my tailbone still hurts. By late afternoon I had the driveway cleared enough to get the car out if I need to; then the plow went by and blocked me in again.
There should be a law against that.
January 01, 2011
They’re calling for more snow and I told Elizabeth I couldn’t shovel any more. She said it was just a little snow. Inside I raged like a madman, outwardly I smiled and left for Home Depot.
When I got there, the thousands of snow blowers were gone; so I went to the front desk and asked a woman behind the counter where they were. She said they were sold out of them and wouldn’t be getting any more till next season.
I managed to hold my composure until I got back in my car.
January 02, 2011
Snow: not much but still. I put out three bags of rock salt and threw two handfuls at the passing plow.
January 08, 2011
Snow, again. It’s, like, every frickin’ weekend. I’m not clearing it because the plow guy will just block me back in again. I swear he waits just out of sight. Bastard.
And it’s gotten really cold. I opened the door to let Slushball, the puppy, out. He gave a shudder, turned back to the kitchen where he squatted and did his business.
January 12, 2011
Have we had a week without snow falling? I traded my Yaris in for a Highlander which rolled three times while getting off the highway here at the exit ramp leading to Pekinocginot Heights.
After I came to a stop, the plow went by—probably just to get a closer look.
I hurt my neck when I released the seatbelt and landed on my head.
January 19, 2011
My insurance policy set me up with a rental car. It’s a new red Yaris. In the middle of my hideous laughing, the rental agent began backing away.
In the short time I was driving the Highlander, I got used to being taller in the saddle, so-to-speak. So when I didn’t see anything coming beyond the snow bank at the first intersection, I made a right turn and was promptly creamed by an oncoming snowplow. The impact twirled my car around, bouncing from one snow bank to the other.
He helped me out of my violent red Yaris, and I chased him down the street swinging the remains of the steering wheel, still in my clutches.
February 04, 2011
White sheets, white robe, white curtains that open to a white world.
The nurse has little dinosaurs on her blue uniform.
She comes by, like clockwork, with a tiny white cup to dispense a tiny white pill.
Outside, I can hear the scraping howl of the plow.
It’s waiting, just beyond the bend.